Speak to me like I'm someone you love

The words we use matter.  How we talk to our children matters.  In one of my favourite parenting books - Raising Our children, raising ourselves, Naomi Aldort reminds us that:

   The words we choose in our interactions with children have the power to heal or to hurt, to create distance or foster closeness, to shut down feelings or touch the heart and open it, to foster dependency or to empower.

I have chosen to be very conscious of the way I speak to my son - both the words and the tone.  Even the intention with which I use them, for example am I using my words to engage cooperation or exercise my control?  My heightened awareness partly comes with his increased abilities in language and the tendency to copy what he hears, but also just with my desire to always parent with connection in mind.  Even though he wont remember every word I say to him as a child, he will remember how I made him feel, and I do not want his childhood fabric to be made up of sarcasm, name calling, blaming, shaming, nagging, insulting and yelling. 

I am opposed to the view that you need to 'toughen children up', and prepare them for the harsh real word by exposing them to all of the above.  I hear this view often, but it is not something I can relate to.  To me, home is the safe haven, the place for unconditional love, warmth and security.  People often think that resiliency comes from a child 'having to cope' but I think it comes from being nurtured, feeling safe, having a secure base and a strong sense of self.  This comes from love and kind words, not from parents teaching you to 'harden up'. 

I am not perfect.  I can't consciously choose my words 100% of the time, but I can try, and I can be aware.  These are some of the things I am learning:

* "I'm sorry", is so powerful when you treat your child with anything less than respect.  Your children don't need you to be perfect, but they do need you to be honest.

* Less is more.  Over talking seems to be the current parenting generation's style and I hope like anything that I avoid doing it. 

* "Let's" is like a magic word.  It is so much nicer than even the most polite, "I need you to pick up your toys".  "Let's pick up your toys" - cooperation, not control. 

* "Why can't you....", "you are always so...(when used in a negative sense)", "how many times have I told you..." - these aren't helpful to building your child's 'fabric'.  Facts work better.  "I see your toys on the floor again".  "It would be helpful if your dirty clothes went here".  "You haven't listened.  I asked you to.....". 

* Mixed messages confuse a child.  "Please don't hit Darling, it makes me so sad" in a sugary sweet voice does not help give a clear message.  You can express yourself clearly without yelling.  You can be honest about being sad or cross while still treating your child respectfully. 

* Awareness is an amazing thing.  If I chose to notice my words, I am likely to be more careful with them. 

And with all this learning, I have come to a simple reminder.  We have adopted a new motto in our house.  It is simply this:

Speak to me like I am someone you love.