Can we fix it? Yes we can!

I haven't posted recently because I have been feeling like a fraud.  Respectful parenting seemed to go out the window when my son turned four last month and his behaviour seemed to change overnight and I didn't/couldn't get my head around those changes.  For the first time ever I was not enjoying time with my boy and that made me sad, angry, anxious, guilty and resentful.  I felt like I'd been blessed with this wonderful few years and it was disappearing right before my eyes. I got myself wound up about it because in my head I thought this was it for the long haul. 

Then I had a realisation.  The problem was not his behaviour, it was mine.  What may have only been a few days of over-tiredness or testing behaviours turned into weeks of challenges to our relationship and frustration for us both.  The second part of the realisation was that it didn't have to be that way - I CAN fix this!  The connection that characterises our relationship is still there, and lots of little steps and changes to my behaviour can re-cement it and cover over any cracks that were starting to appear. 

So for my little guy, this post is also like a pledge.  I will do better.  I loved you beyond words at three years old, you never doubted that for a second, and four and five and six (and beyond) are going to be the same.  Here is what I need to re-practice:

* I have always picked my battles.  Recently I've picked battling.  My boy is starting to want to argue.  It takes two people to argue.  I don't have to take the bait!

* I will change my language back.  I do not like 'if you do this...then this will happen' or worse, 'if you don't do...then.....'.  I can replace it with 'first...and then', and "yes....after'.

* I will remember he is still learning.  I don't correct every mistake he does when working with numbers, or telling stories.  I do not need to correct all the mistakes he makes with behaviour.  I have high expectations, and these aren't always fair.  I make mistakes at my age, he is certainly going to make them at his. 

* I will remember that 'who he is' is not set in stone and he is allowed to try out new roles and learn about himself.  I am so used to my sensitive soul that the sudden interest in 'biffing' and hurting unsettles me.  But I can choose to see it for what it is - an expression, a way of coping, imitating, whatever else it is at this moment.   His world is getting wider and the way he interacts with it will too.  I will relax, continue to guide, and continue to love him.

* I can choose what to notice.  I can choose kindness in my words.  I can be gentle with my touch.  I can lighten the mood. 

Things are improving already.   I am calmer and kinder, and wouldn't you know it - so is he!  His childhood fabric is not woven by a perfect Mum.  There will be missed threads and unpicking and re-sewing to do, but the point is that along the way, changes can be made.  Mistakes can be fixed, and the fabric created at the end of this long childhood will not be any weaker for a few weeks of my getting off track.  What would've been worse is abandoning my commitment to creating this wonderful childhood fabric at the first sign of unravelling.