Today as we pulled out of a street, a road accident blocked our way and we had to stay waiting to be directed safely around the car and motorbike in pieces on the road. I felt huge sadness for the driver of the car, crying on the side of the road, and the very injured motorcyclist lying on the grass being attended to by numerous emergency medical staff. My other emotion was concern - for my nearly four year old son sitting in the back seat, with an even better view of the injured victim than I had. What would he make of it? How could i explain it to him? How can i shield him from it when telling him not to look is just going to make him even more curious?
And then I decided to not make a fuss. We just have to wait for the policeman to tell us we can go, I told him. Yes, that is an ambulance, they are helping the man who has fallen off his motorbike. And that was about it. I waited to see if he would say anymore. He didn't in any direct way but I did notice that on the way home he mentioned a train that might crash, and two different times he warned me to be careful. When we got home and he shared his day with his Dad this did not come up at all. He told him about the birthday celebration at Preschool, and that he could now open the car window all by himself. He told him we picked up pizza on the way home and that it was "an awesome day". There was no trauma, and I know that there would only have been trauma if I had told him the experience was traumatic!
I have mentioned before in a post about parents over-talking. I also think we over expose children these days. I will never forget teaching at the time of the Twin Towers attack and seeing how much knowledge and graphic images our three and four years olds had been exposed to. Their parents wanted to "involve them in everything", with the best of intentions, but I think there are limits to what children need to see.
Death is another area that I think children are often given too much information about. I have seen children with far too much information being given when they do not have the experience or understanding to cope with these concepts, resulting in confusion and fear and an unhealthy interest in these topics. Until he was about 3 and a quarter, I had had no deaths in our circle to share with my son. I knew if it happened I didn't want to over do it with the information and 'involve him' in grief but I had thought I would explain in simple terms what had happened. Then, unfortunately, it happened. One of my closest friends lost a long battle with cancer, and while her actual passing away was difficult, the 21 days leading up to her death, when they had predicted she would last only two days, were when the real grieving happened. I did not involve my son in these days. With him I carried on as normal and I cried in my own time. He was with me when I received the news she was gone. In a cafe, he witnessed me put my head on the table and cry, for just a minute or two, and even the look of worry when I came back to him was enough to realise he did not need my adult worry on his three year old shoulders. I had planned to explain that she had died, until it actually happened and instead, I chose to say nothing. On the day of her funeral I arranged for my Mum to care for him, while I went to 'say goodbye' to my dear friend 'because she was going away'. He knew this would make me sad and account for my slightly odd behaviour the past few days, and this explanation was enough. A few months later when he asked about this friend of mine I said we couldn't go and visit her because she had died. "Oh," he said, "that's sad". End of conversation.
I think that parents want to treat their children with the same respect that they show to adults - which is such a wonderful way to parent. Unfortunately I think this can be misinterpreted as giving them the same information as you would give an adult, and this I think is a mistake. Children do not have adult experiences. They do not have adult understandings or adult rationale. I know we can't shield them from everything. There are circumstances that maybe we cant avoid. But there are so many we can. There are many times we can choose to limit their exposure. Let's give our children the gift of a childhood free from adult worries, and let their childhood shoulders carry childhood problems. I would much prefer my son to be worried about whether it will rain on his birthday than what happens to you when you die, or how badly hurt was the motorcyclist who crashed today. (Who, I end my post, by saying quiet prayers for...).
No comments:
Post a Comment